Transition
A move at any age is difficult. If you’re 45 like me or 14 like my son, transition is not easy. For me it looks like getting boxes unpacked, walls sanded and painted, and learning needed things to know like when is trash day, where is the post office and where is the Kroger. It means never talking on the phone to anyone while driving, like I used to, because Google maps is directing my every turn. Transition can mean not knowing anyone in the grocery which can be both good and lonely. Starting over again in a new town also means an underlying current of anxiety as you realize the fears for those you live with. Questions like are they meeting new freinds, do they like school and do they miss thier old room hover closely.
When we moved, in the first 2 months I found myself wanting to eat something sweet, shop, sleep or watch 5 Gilmore Girls episodes after my kids went to sleep. It was a reward that we all made it today. We made it! However, deep in my heart I knew this was just a way to check out. It scared me to be honest. What am I doing? In my concern, my counselor shared this one simple thought, “you know Virginia, you get to choose how you reward yourself.” That one statement gave me the much needed courage I needed to take back the control that seemed to have gotten lost in the move.
Control is definely one thing that was lost in the move, or maybe I never really had it anyway. The illusion of control is something that can keep us from seeing the world as it really is. It keeps things in their place, safe and toatally predictable. Yet in this predictable safe place, we settle for cookies and Netflix instead of telling God or our spouse or a friend what we are really feeling. Telling the truth is actually way more risky because we are not sure how they will take our mess and what if they cannot help. It makes us stay safe and small and settled. So back to the comment, was my counselor trying to get me to control something in my new transition of a life or was she empowering me to truly take care of myself? I believe the second. Sometimes transitions cause us to need to grieve, be lonely, and be angry because well, life is just difficult. I also believe that remembering that I get to choose rewards for my “day of survival” gives me the power to choose wisely and take care of myself while simultaneously feeling sad and lonely. If you are in a tougher place in life, tell yourself that same truth. You get to choose how you reward yourself for a job well done, surviving a tough conversation, or just making it through today. Your reward may shift to a cup of hot tea, a bubble bath, a walk, or maybe 1 cookie. Be kind to yourself in these transition days. We all need that!