Fire

The disruption of our family’s routine has brought many gifts this spring that have come as welcomed friends yet some have come in disguise. The welcomed friends have been a slower pace, no 6:00 a.m. wake up for packing lunch, hurried breakfast and carpool drop off line. Coinciding with spring weather, the extra time has brought allowances for finishing projects like sanding and painting my 23 year old picnic table (made by Steve in our 2nd year of marriage). We built, sanded and painted our back deck and build a barn door to hide our laundry room. Cleaning up the yard, picking up winter blown sticks, planting flowers, making 10 minute Yoga a morning practice, and nightly fires in the fire pit are a few obvious gifts given to me by the shattering of routine. 

But a disguised gift I want to talk about has been a surprising one, one I did not even let myself realize was there. Honestly, it has not felt like a gift but rather an intruder. The change in routine has allowed for exposure of my self protection in intimate places in my marraige to surface. My determined level of intimacy and reasons for them have been spoken out loud.  This has not been easy. The reason I’m writing this is because I know some of you experience this too and I want to share with you what God offered me in this vulnerable and scary place. My hope is that you feel less alone in this and that you may feel encouraged too. 

So here goes…inside my head, some of the questions that have risen up in me over the years are …”why is it so difficult for me to be whimsical and flirty with Steve, why do I get nervous when he gently hugs me while I’m in the middle of supper, why do I sometimes feel performance markers and checklists in a candlelit bedroom rather than freedom to express and receive pleasure?” This shattering of routine has not allowed us to keep on as before. It exposed my “trusted pattern” for intimacy and my uncomfortableness at that being changed. I finally told the truth about this because I had more time to express my thoughts and because God gave Steve the courage to ask and me the courage to answer. 

This has not been easy! Many tears, many loooong conversations, many lies in my head telling me to “get it together and what’s wrong with you Virginia?” Many prayers to dispel the lies. More conversations, more tears, more late nights.

But this morning after another long night while I was dozing in and out between attempted sleep to quiet my thoughts and the toxic voice of the enemy telling me to stay in my safe zone and know I will never have full freedom or more pleasure so “do what is needed to make me and Steve “OK”…I had a dream.

I was with Steve sitting by a fire held in a very small firepit with a few red coals in it. I looked up and I saw a man in his early 40’s with an awesome www.huckberry.com coat on and a winter beanie with his arms crossed kindly looking at us.  He said, “Is that your fire?”  I said, “Yes” and He calmly and confidently said, “I’ve got one too.” As I looked down, I saw His fire and it was in the biggest fire bowl I had ever seen with a massive fire in it.  Then I woke up. 

How strange. But then I realized I know that man! It was Jesus telling me" I have what you want and it’s better than what you think you need. Almost as if He was saying, “How’s that little fire working out for you?! Your small smoldering fire is what you are choosing to be huddled around but I’ve got one too! It is available to you and Steve. It is limitless and big and it is mine. I’m inviting you to enjoy My fire. Quit “working” so hard and enjoy the gift I am giving you.” We often say “I’ve got this” but instead Jesus asked me to give it all to him. These words were such a gift to my heavy mind and heart.

So if you are struggling to be honest about your intimate life, you are not alone! Routines often allow for us to stay safe and keep possible conflict at bay. However, when that is disrupted, space may surface for truth. It helps to be honest and say what you’re feeling out loud. I am available to listen. So here stands an encouragement from me to take the time to tell the truth. And here stands an invitation from Jesus saying come close to Me. Your “fire”, work, or efforts are NOT going to keep you warm for long, but I will. Come receive what I have to give. It’s better than you can imagine.