Notes

Have you ever looked at the notes section of your phone while in carpool line or waiting for a meeting to begin? If you’re like me, you see your old grocery lists, passwords, titles of books you want to read, and memories you want to remember. Today, while in carpool, I was cleaning out the notes section of my phone. I saw a note I had written last August.  It was in regard to my middle son Lucas. We had recently moved to Memphis. He was a 18, a senior in high school and we were homeschooling. He was new to the area. We both were. On the note it said “Am I pushing him enough??? The more I suggest, he pushes back…” The note goes on to list all the things he was doing, and that we were doing together. “We sometimes work out together and he does his school work without too much complaint. He is home with us a lot.” I had taken note of all the positive steps he was taking. 

However, at the time I wrote the note, I kept focusing on my performance as a mom. The phrase, ”am I doing enough” was my focus. It always seems to be my focus. I always seem to be wondering about how I’m doing as a mom. I wonder if I’m enabling him by helping too much or should I back off. Why is it so difficult for me to let him figure it all out and possibly fail. One thing I have learned about myself is that I feel like his performance seems to be tied to the job I’m doing as a mom. When I let his acheivements or failures be the “grade” as to how I’m doing, then I often feel anxious, uneasy, manipulative and angry. That is not how I want to be!  So I learned that to be in real relationship with him, I was going to have to surrender daily to God’s plan for him and not push my agenda. I learned to let go of what others think he “should be doing” and just love him. Encouraage him…yes. Help him when he asks…yes. Tell him the truth…yes. Make his life be perfect so he never has to struggle…NO! That’s not the real world. (By the way, this is very difficult to do.)

So as the year progressed, I let him ask for help instead of just jumping in.  I did make a few suggestions of jobs and finally he found some he could apply for that he liked. So I applied for him as he sat and learned how to do that. He tried a few new CrossFit boxes in the area on his own. He began to take his cooking and meal prep more seriously and learned how to cook and shop for himself.  Then one day he got a call that he got a job. He did it! He got a job that he was excited about. During this time, he learned how to balance school work, work, working out and being around home. He learned that some days work is good and sometimes boring. His relationships with us and his brother improved. During this time many things about his future cleared up. Before we knew it his senior year was done. He had completed his school requirements, finished his job, and enlisted in the ARMY.

He has been gone for exactly 10 weeks and 1 day. We have talked to him 4 times and received many many letters. He is doing so good, better than I could have asked or even imagined! He is glad for the decision he made. He figured out his path. Were we too pushy, I think on some days yes and some days no.

The end of thet note I had typed said, “…he is listening though.” He was. They are. If you’re not sure if they are listening, just hang in there.  It’s just not easy to see! A few suggestions as you wait in parenting would be to watch for your child’s interests and do all you can do to step into what you find, ask them for feedback on your approach and listen to what they say, invite God into all of this, love them, and remember that on most days they are listening. Sometimes it just takes a year to look back in your notes to see this.